“‎All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” ― Henry Havelock Ellis

Webster’s definition of grief is “intense emotional suffering caused by a loss.”  This definition has never been more appropriate than it is today!  The unique thing about this time of grief is that we are all—as a family, a nation, and a world—experiencing this “intense emotional suffering” together.  Perhaps not to the same depth, or for the same reasons; but everyone has been touched in some way.  I believe it is this human connection, this oneness that has brought together like-minded, caring, people supporting one another in the most amazing ways. Helping each other is a wonderful way to help deal with our own personal grief.  However, another very important way to process grief is to express our feelings by naming them, without judgment; and encouraging others to do the same.  It is normal to be experiencing feelings of sadness, fear, anger, etc. in challenging times.  Simply naming our feelings diffuses some of their power and gives us a sense of control. 

Grieving is not the time to be stoic, not for yourself nor for those you love.  As a parent, spouse, care giver, or other role model, expressing emotions shows strength, not weakness.  Remember, children learn how to become adults from watching their parents; if you are not able to show your feelings in healthy ways, your children will be missing a very important life lesson. Never be embarrassed or ashamed to say “I’m sad or I need to cry.”  Crying releases mood elevating oxytocin and endorphins as well as numerous stress hormones.  I believe there is a whole generation of adults that were taught it was wrong to cry.   The reality is—it is wrong not to cry.  Crying is a natural human response to sadness.  

If you are alone you can still share your thoughts with a trusted friend—pick up the phone and call, send an email, use social media, write a letter; but connect in some way.  When you connect be sure to ask the other person to share how they are feeling in return.  If your friend or loved one seems to be struggling, ask them how you can help.  You may not be able to reach out and give them a hug but simply telling them you care and understand may help.  Think about your neighbors and other acquaintances that might also be alone and reach out to them.   

Research has shown that writing or journaling your thoughts on grief is immensely healing.  There are numerous wonderful books on this subject, my favorite being Dr. James Pennebaker’s, Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions.  He writes: “Translating our thoughts into language is psychologically and physically beneficial.  When people write about major upheavals they begin to organize and understand them.” In my book: Creative Journeys: The Healing Powers of the Expressive Arts, I suggest the following writing prompt: “IF my tears were words what would they say.”  You might be surprised at how healing it can be to put your thoughts down on paper. 

There was a recent article in the New York Times stating “Everyone knows someone that has died.”  Whether or not you personally know someone that has passed away, the inability to process the losses we are facing is real.  In graduate school I wrote about the unprocessed grief a woman feels when she loses a baby during pregnancy or at birth.  This is a terrible loss that is often not outwardly mourned and, therefore, carried with her for the rest of her life.  In a similar way, these challenging times are preventing us from processing grief in our normal way with cards, flowers, and gatherings with loved ones for support.  Different cultures process grief in varying ways, but the commonality is through traditions that can start the healing process.  We cannot currently follow the rituals normally followed to honor the loss.  Now more than ever it is important to find a way to express your feelings because doing so is physically and emotionally necessary.  Burying them, with whatever rationalization you use, will cause them to manifest and surface in some dysfunctional way when you least expect it.  After a period of grief ends, life does go on.  Never in exactly the same way as before because some things have been lost, changed, or are simply different; but life will return and joy and happiness will again be part of it.  Let’s all spend a few minutes every day focusing on this.