“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
― Carl Gustav Jung

The concept of relationships takes on a whole new meaning in today’s world.  Both the relationships we sorely miss due to social distancing as well as those at the other end of the spectrum—the folks we are sheltered in place with twenty-four/seven—the ones that may have become challenging.

We are certainly missing the friends who always greeted us with a hug, the neighbors who gave a friendly wave, the people we saw every day at work, and the familiar faces at the local coffee shop.  These all gave normalcy to our lives.  Humans are wired for connection.  It is part of our DNA, and research has proved connection is necessary for our health and wellbeing.  Social media, Skype, Face Time and other ways of reaching out to those we care about are helpful; but the reality is, the physical touch we so desperately need is missing.  Now more than ever we crave that sense of safety we get from personal closeness.  If you are feeling sad and alone, you need to acknowledge those feelings as normal; don’t judge them as good or bad or try to ignore them.  Simply accept them.  Be compassionate with yourself, especially on the days when your emotions are more intense—when you feel like crying but can’t name the one thing that is more unsettling than another.  During those times do something special for yourself, cook your favorite meal, read a book, soak in a hot tub.  Try to find something positive to focus on… this too shall pass.

However, if you are sheltering in place with your family, whether that is just one other person or an extended family, you may not feel the same sense of loss or isolation as some; but you may be facing your own untold challenges.  This is uncharted territory for most and, without prior training and some warning, it can be difficult.  You have likely experienced daily distancing from those you live with unless you have already reached retirement age – and even then, many retired people say they stay busier than when they worked.   Remaining in close proximity with your family from the time you get up in the morning until going to bed at night is certainly a way of living that is demanding a new level of tolerance and grace.

The challenges many are facing right now are manifesting rapidly with jobs being terminated, bills piling up, plans being put on hold or shattered, etc.  We read that adult and child abuse is on the rise.  There are hot lines and notes being passed at the pharmacy for the abused to get help.  Teenagers are struggling with a sense of loss as milestones such as high school and college graduations are being cancelled—accomplishments they have worked hard for are not going to be celebrated.  Fear due to the unknown is inevitable.  We need every tool available to help deal with this mountain of stress that has been piled on us. If you missed my blog on ways to deal with anxiety, it is archived on my website www.creativejourneysbook.com.  I will be suggesting additional ways to help deal with stress and anxiety in future blogs.   

You may have found that communication has become strained.  If you are seeing more arguing among family members, the basic skills listed in Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication might be helpful.  There are four basic principles in his book to help communicate without arguing:  1) State what you are seeing, hearing, touching (an observation); 2) say what you are feeling (be vulnerable, express your emotions); 3) say what you need (be specific); and 4) make a request (ask for an action in a non-demanding way).   Here is an example: “When I see you leave dishes in the living room, I feel frustrated because I need a clean house.  Would you please put your dishes in the sink after you eat?”  Often simply speaking in a non-accusatory way can take the sting out of a conversation before it turns into a heated argument.  Encourage all family members to give this a try.  However, equally important, and the cornerstone of good communication is to be a good listener.  Listening is more than hearing, it is giving your undivided attention to the person who is speaking. 

Each of us has a different way of dealing with life, especially in challenging times, so being tolerant of behaviors that are unlike our own can be difficult.  Now more than ever is a perfect time to practice acceptance.  Simply acknowledge that doing things differently does not make either of you wrong.  Tolerance is the key to remembering those you are living with are also experiencing feelings of fear and frustration.  Carl Jung said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves”.  When you are triggered by a loved one’s behavior, stop and take a few minutes to try and trace your thought back to its origination. Often this leads to an “ah ha” memory from the past that helps give you an understanding of your reaction.  In addition, when you are feeling frustrated with a loved one, think about their positive traits because the same holds true.  What you see as great in someone else is a trait you have in yourself.

If you are sheltered with others, make it a priority to find some alone time.  Work on a hobby, put on head phones and listen to your favorite music, take a walk alone, do something that gives you some space to recharge your batteries.  The caregiver, the family member others normally turn to for help, is probably getting worn out by now.  If you are that person, you may need to set some boundaries on what is realistic and ask for help in sharing responsibilities. 

We have a core psychological need to connect.  So, whether you are struggling with being alone or feeling challenged by too much togetherness, remember tolerance, understanding, and being kind to one another—as well as to one’s self—will get you through these difficult times.  Also, don’t forget your emotions affect those you love as much as their emotions affect you, so a little extra patience may be needed right now.  I believe we will all come out of these challenging times stronger and wiser than we ever imagined.